Day 13: Coping in sad times

The heatwave has arrived and I'm whisked away for a 'surprise' birthday treat weekend with my family. We received some sad news on yesterday morning that a family member had passed away. We had expected this news to come. Let's face it. Cancer is shit. Cancer has affected so many of my friends and family. One of the reasons why I wanted to work in oncology during my hospital days and chosen to specialise in palliative care at the start of my journey of being a prescriber. Until that last breathe, that person has hope and the right to be cared for.

My first experience of death was when we lost my Grandad. Our central pillar to our family. He is was my world. We were so close. He wore a tie almost everyday, on exceptional hot days he wore a polo shirt. Always with a collar, no matter what. He loved to gamble and taught me poker. He loved the thrill of life and we always had fun, playing kung fu, funfair rides and amusement parks. He was a creative soul and always had a eye for beauty in everything. I watched him for hours practising how to do Chinese calligraphy. When he left us, my world crumbled. I was 7 at the time. I had spent more time with him than my parents and anyone else in my family. I was lost. I had no idea who I was without him.

I miss him every single day and I wish I could share my trials and tribulations with him. I know we would have shared a whisky under the stars and put the world to right. Grief is weird. Such heady mix of emotions. I've learnt to live without him, it hasn't been easy and he is always in my thoughts and etched in my heart forever. Grief never leaves you, you just learn to live with it better everyday. Each time I have lost someone dear to me, I'm always brought back here. Every time I am remind of death, I'm always brought back here.

It is these life changing experiences that changes your perspective on life and how you chose to live it. It could be easy to follow a path of fear and anger when grieving. But we all know the fear leads to anger, leads to hate and hate lead us to the dark side. However only when you've experienced such dark times, do you ever appreciate the beauty of the small and good things in life. Having been through such contrasting emotions, I feel this has unlocked my ability to be a compassionate and empathic being. In my dark days, I feel pain that I just couldn't describe, a pain that feels like my soul has been crushed; the feel of worthlessness, helplessness and the want to no longer exist. Just to vanish, not to die.

I learnt that talking about how I feel is not an admission of failure. The older I become the more accepting I am to seek comfort from close family and friends. Perhaps my mum was right all along, I am stubborn and strong willed; too much so that I forget to admit when there's something wrong. No one should ever feel that they have no one to turn to, especially in times of need. Despite how some people treat me badly, exclude me, humiliate me; I would still help them and I will always care. No matter how times I get burnt, I still welcome people into my life.

That's my WHY? My purpose in life, I will always support and care for others. It's built in me.

Does my WHY? resonate with you?

My world. You shaped me into this woman that people see now, ông ngoại. I hope you're proud of who I am today.